Why I am running for President
It is clear that people have grown weary with democracy. After over 200 years, Americans like you have grown tired of freedom and liberty. What has freedom done for you? What has liberty allowed you to do with your lives? Are you really better off today than a Kurd under my rule? How do you know?
It is time to end the stream of propaganda and lies that have been fed to you since you were born. It is time to rise up and grasp the challenge that your soul begs for, craves, and dare I say, desires more than sex itself.
Look at yourself. Are you happy with your life, truly, honestly happy? Are you happy having to choose between 200 different kinds of breakfast cereal, 3 different types of unleaded gasoline, numerous jobs that you happily win and then hate, music that all sounds alike and TV shows and movies that seem good while you watch them, only to fade from memory by the time you throw away your popcorn box?
People have a void in their lives, and I will fill that void in the same way that I filled the 270 mass graves littering Iraq. All you have to do is elect me your president to replace the World's Greatest Terrorist George "Imperialist" Bush.
I know what is best for you. You will not be burdened by too much choice anymore. I promise that after you elect me your president, your choices will be much easier to make. You will be able to choose between me, your beneficient leader, and death.
You will no longer become bored with freedom, for I will strip away the false freedoms that you believed you coveted and provide you with the one true freedom: freedom to live your lives as I see fit. You will also be freed from the tyranny of people who think differently than us - those whom you have struggled against all your life only to see surpass you time and time again. Your time has come: it is now your time to "win" and to be finally freed from their tyranny and oppression that has held you and your kind back for decades - even centuries
I promise you that once I am elected president, those whom have troubled you and held you back will no longer be a factor in your life. They will simply disappear, and their legacy of hatred and imperialism erased from Time.
By allowing me to take over the burden of living, you will enjoy pure liberty - the type that you so crave -the kind that came when you lived under the roof of your father, or away at school for the first time in your life.