I’ve been noticing that I’ve been having terrible trouble focusing and concentrating on everything, especially reading, writing and speaking. When I read I find myself scanning too much and missing points completely. It’s like the way I used to intentionally read back in college when I had to digest hundreds of pages in a night. Now it’s out of control and I’ll read something only to discover that I’ve missed the entire point of the article.
Writing is almost painful. Every sentence is a struggle, and I find myself constantly using the wrong words as well as making too many typing mistakes. Sentences don’t flow the way they should, and my paragraphs don’t really work together very well.
While speaking I often lose my train of thought or get muddled. In business meetings occasionally someone will try to save me by saying something like “in other words, you suggest…” I’m trying to speak less in meetings, and to outline what I’m going to say first on paper. Still, I have to be careful; I’m a contractor and can be fired at any time.
My mind feels like it is constantly racing – like its “idle” is set way too high. In Buddhism it’s called “monkey mind” but in my mind it’s more like an entire troop of monkeys.
I have some ideas what may be behind this that I will explore over the coming months. It shouldn’t be cancer because it doesn’t run in the family. I’m still sober (7 years+), but I have gained some weight over the winter. Hopefully the return of the sun in Spring as well as more outdoor exercise will help. But until then this is pretty freakin’ hellish.