St. Louis to Start CalvinBall League

Well not yet, but here’s the idea:

St. Louis and the state of Missouri are itching to hand $400 million of their citizen’s money to Stan Kroenke, a billionaire seven times over, in order to induce him to keep his lousy underperforming football team from absconding to LA or San Diego. From a financial point of view football stadiums are lousy investments for cities. From an environmental standpoint they are monuments to man-made global warming since they consist of concrete, the making of which is one of the worst known emitters of carbon dioxide. From a utilitarian standpoint they are useless, being designed specifically for football which limits their utility at any other time than the 8 out of 365 afternoons they are used. There are clearly better ways to use the money.

So here’s my idea. Have the state, county and local governments pony up the $400 million. Then take that money and invest it with Stan Kroenke and his partners to help them mug invest in the publicly backed stadium in Los Angeles or San Diego. After all everyone knows Californians are rich, so let wealthy Californian taxpayers build Kroenke’s stadium but profit from his greed and chutzpah by backing him with $400 million. Kroenke will have no problem delivering a 10% return on the money, netting the state of Missouri and the St. Louis area $40 million a year from their investment. Figure that’s good for about 10 years until Kroenke gets cranky and decides he needs another stadium, but who knows? During that time maybe the San Diego Rams or the LA Weasels will actually become good teams, substantially boosting the value of the investment.

But in the meantime take that $40 million every year and start a new sports league. Given the nostalgia Gen-Xers have for Calvin & Hobbes, I vote for the creation of a CalvinBall league with the money. For those of you too young to know, CalvinBall is a game played between the young boy Calvin and his stuffed pet tiger Hobbes in the Calvin and Hobbes cartoon where pretty much anything goes. Think of it as a mashup of dodgeball, rugby, baseball, karaoke and the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Well maybe not so much the Rocky Horror Picture Show but who knows? The rules of CalvinBall are there aren’t any rules – and think of what entertainment value that would bring to a Sunday afternoon. While the Rams quarterback-du-jour is getting his clock cleaned  in Southern California by the Packer’s defensive line, just imagine the fun Missourians would have watching young athletes pretty much run around, wear masks and sing. It would be refreshing and maybe even entertaining.

I figure the government could fund an entire 20 team league, each having a 10 person roster out of the $40 million it earned from investing in Kroenke (just not in St. Louis). CalvinBall does not need singularly purposed billion dollar stadiums to be played in. It can be played pretty much everywhere, but to maximize attendance I would recommend it be played in existing venues like Busch Stadium or the Scottrade Center. After all, to St. Louisans football season is just the weeks between the World Series and Spring Training.

British Calvinball legend M. Montgomery Hughes jumping into The Must Be Airborne To Enter This Zone Zone to recover a lost Calvinball.


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