Here are some predictions for the coming year.
1. Fidel Castro – 2007 will be his “lucky year” or rather Cuba’s. Expect a big state funeral attended by St. Jimmy Carter and Al Gore. St. Jimmy will shed real honest to goodness tears and remain living proof that only the good die young.
2. Ariel Sharon – Life support will be withdrawn and Arik will finally be allowed to move on. I will regret all the bad things I said about him in 2000.
3. The head of Al Qaeda in Iraq will lose his, most likely to a Hellfire missile fired by an American drone piloted by a Nintendo graduate in California. One of his lieutenants will disappear and reappear in Michigan as the wealthy owner of a chain of gas stations.
4. Bin Laden will continue to elude capture in the same way that Elvis continues to avoid being photographed. However, I expect either Mullah Omar or “the Z Man” al-Zawahiri’s remains to be identified using DNA after a similar airstrike by a Nintendo graduate.
5. The US Air Force will award the Nintendo Corporation of America a special “Lifetime Achievement” award. Well, maybe they won’t but after a few more kills they should.
6. Saddam Hussein will not see the end of next year – if he’s not dead now or by the end of this weekend.
7. Most of the following celebrities will not make it completely through 2007 alive: Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, Liz Taylor, Dick Clark, Ed McMahon, Tony Curtis, Charlton Heston, Kirk Douglas.
8. Youthful Surprise: One of the following young stars will die “tragically” – if you consider choking on your own vomit after mixing alcohol and drugs a tragic death: Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, Brittney Spears, Hillary Duff. I fully expect Paris Hilton to live forever and be cracking sex jokes at the age of 90.
9. Nelson Mandela – He should have died 10 years ago to preserve his legacy, but perhaps History will ignore his increasingly erratic behavior.
10. St. Jimmy Carter will publish another book blaming Jews and the American foreign policy they control for boll weevil infestations in the Southern states – or something. Liberals will sigh in ecstasy and true liberals like me will keep checking the flag posts at our local post offices in expectation.