In 5th grade in a fit of boredom I wrote a list of 10 fellow students I didn’t like. The last 3 were forced; they were likeable at times but since I needed 10 I put them on the list. I placed the list in my desk, and forgot about it. A few days later I got sick with strep throat and was out for 2 weeks. During that time one of my “friends” rummaged through my desk, found the list, and showed it to the 10 kids on it.
After I got better, I returned to school, opened the door to the classroom and sailed backwards through it after being punched in the mouth by number 2 on the list.
It was my first lesson in responsible writing.
In that spirit, I thought I would draw up my modern “Sh*t List” to see how it had changed. No Steve Ladenburger, Paul Parrino or Todd Gummersbach on this list this time. Instead you’ll find names you recognize. So without further ado, here we go.
Scott’s 2006 Sh*t List
1. Osama Bin Laden – While I still suspect OBL is worm food, until I have proof he occupies the top spot of my list for several reasons, the first being represented by the date 9-11-01. I still have the Weekly World pics of him canoodling with Saddam – who, by the way, doesn’t appear on this list. Why? Because Saddam is pathetic along the same lines as the jailed leader of Shining Path “Stripes Make Me Look Fat” Abimael Guzman.
2. Abu Zarqawi – Carves up captives the way most people carve up hams. Be sure to bury this guy in one.
3. Ayman al Zawahiri - The real “brains” behind the “beauty” of OBL. Has his own show on al-Jazeera – a network that relies upon contributions from drivers like you – through your consumption of imported oil.
4. Noam Chomsky – The most quoted person on the Internet. Why? Lives in comfort in New England while praising such sh*tholes as 60’s North Vietnam and contemporary North Korea. Thinks the US is humanity’s biggest enemy – but oddly enough continues living, working and paying taxes here.
5. St. Jimmy Carter – What can I say about this piece of sanctimonious crap that I haven’t said already? This man has become a success at failure, and even won a peace prize for a deal with North Korea that allowed #10 to make nuclear weapons. He has yet to meet a dictator he didn’t like and regularly sides with the rich and monied over the poor and bullied – all the while floating through the scene like Mother Theresa on librax. Because of his failures to stop Khomeini, support the Shah of Iran, and arm the Mujahadeen against the Soviets in Afghanistan, America is continuing to deal with his messes over a quarter century later.
In a sense we are suffering for Carter’s sins. No wonder he’s on his way to Sainthood.
6. Michael Moore – Claims to speak for the common man, but only speaks for what his totalitarian vision of the common man is. Leni Reifenstahl of Islamofascism; if he lived 70 years ago we would see him giving the Nazi salute in meetings with der Fuhrer whom, I’m sure, he would have dutifully and lovingly filmed.
7. Harold Pinter – A British version of Chomsky. A man who writes plays no one sees or if they do, understands, then takes his modicum of success to spout the ravings of the inbred intellectual he is. Heir to the tradition of Lord Haw-haw, he should be left alone to rot in obscurity.
8. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – Cut his teeth on the failures of Carter during the Iranian Hostage Crisis of 1979-80, and hasn’t lost the fanaticism of his youth. Makes trouble for the US in Iraq, for Israel in Lebanon and the Palestinian Territories, and is even causing a bout of indigestion in Europeans. Has that wide-eyed look of the fanatic-chosen-by-God. An Iranian David Koresh who will take his nation down with him if allowed to.
9. Carlos the Jackal – The legendary ‘70s terrorist is now behind bars in France and has converted to Islam. Upon hearing that the World Trade Center had been attacked on 9-11-01 supposedly said, “I feel relieved.” The World will feel relieved once he succombs to a painful death from cancer behind bars.
10. Kim Jong Il – North Korean dictator, womanizer and Caligula wanna-be. Builds bombs while his peasants starve. But hey, at least Chomsky idolizes him.